Stoicism Conquered

July 5, 2009 in Personal 1 Comment

“Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and its current is strong; no sooner does
anything appear and it is swept away, and another comes in its place, and will be swept away too”.
Marcus Aurelius

Stoicism Conquered
By Maya

When I was still very young and started discovering philosophy together
with its best representatives, I came across stoicism and courage and many other virtues desirable for development of good character and strong personality. I was fascinated and even stunned reading stories of those who were able to withstand unspeakable tortures, sometimes just for defending an idea, the truth, conviction or such….Understanding self-hood.
I was taken by it and was thinking and imagining, how I would react if my life shall play me into such circumstances. Would I demonstrate behavior of coward or show courage and shall not be ashamed of myself as human being?
Would I be capable to withstand some severe circumstances and not “blink an eye?” At the time by reading a lot historical books I also came across stories about concentration camps, about cruelty of interrogation, stories about wounded people in various wars in history suffering without medications, painkillers, you name it.

But, it just happened rather unexpectedly that my “trial” presented itself very soon. I was about 15 at that time.
I incurred inflammation under my tooth, on lower left side (I think name is second molar).
It was so strong and destructive, that the bone, actually the whole jaw got deeply inflamed and I was in horrible pain. I could not even touch that side of my face.
It was supposed to be no-win situation and I was informed that tooth must get out immediately.
(Now everybody knows that I have bridge there :)
So, here I saw my chance. Today I see, how very thoughtless was my impulse and not worth horrible suffering, but in a way it made me stronger.
I decided not to take injection for the treatment no matter what. At first dentist did not want to accept my “crazy idea” but when he saw that my decision is unshakable, he said: “ Listen you’ll not be able to take this pain, so when I start pulling, it shall hurt very much, just let me know and I numb it with pain killer.

It was such an unspeakable pain, that I must be truthful to this expression and not be able to describe it. I toned my brain to someone on a torture table in medieval times in dark cold dungeons of inquisition and ended up with these consequences: tears were running, admittedly, but I did not yell, and few drops of blood showed on my palms as visible witnesses from digging my nails into them.
I was last patient that evening, walking home, because dentist’s office was rather close, it was already dark, earth was covered with snow and I was spitting blood into white snow and was somehow “happy?” I don’t know any more, but certainly satisfied.
But (and you might not understand that) I was unloved child by my mother, she never wanted daughter, so I was child constantly starved for hugs.
And that dentist stroked my head and hugged me tight and even kissed my forehead.
And that was what I call “healing touch”.
Now, I would like to add another short story, actually irrelevant to the one I just told. Well, there is certain relevance to it, otherwise I would not include it here, won’t I?
Well, few years ago, when I was working as a financial adviser I had an appointment with one lady client in her house. She asked me for time estimate of our meeting, because she was supposed go with her son for flu shots. She excused herself for a while and I stayed alone in a living room sitting at the table, waiting. Within few moments a young man came into the room and sit on sofa close to me. Judging by his appearance, no insult, but he could compete easily with Brutus from “Popeye cartoon”, simply big man. My first thought was that he most likely would be listening to our conversation. He was obviously very nervous about something, but I’ve been enlightened shortly. His eyes were moving fast from side to side and he said to me with a shaking voice; “I’m going with my mother for that flu shot, you know, and I and am so nervous about it”…It felt like someone would pour hot (or cold?) water on me. I could not believe my ears, my eyes. I couldn’t also believe that young man would admit something like that to a woman. I never ever experienced anything far close to that. I was disgusted. He was repulsive to me, I could barely hide it and I never forget it and would not wish to come across something like that ever again. I would rather take pulling of my tooth second time.

Thank you for reading,

Maya