“To be nobody-but-myself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.“
E.E. Cummings
“We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us.”
Thomas Merton

Some “inquisitive minds” asked me many questions over time and because we live in “dangerous” times now, I’ve decided to write about this topic. You can keep your eyes closed all you want, but it is not smart thing to do. You can market online day and night not looking right or left what’s happening around you, but perhaps you should. Because times are changing and it could easily happen here about what I intend to write in this series…
Thank you for your interest Fredrick Robbins! This chapter is dedicated to you.

TRUTH series – “The Border” part1
(Living Under Communists)

“The Border”
by Maya

Prologue
It was September, an ordinary day, rather gloomy but warm. But for me it was highly significant and to be remembered for the rest of my days.
I’ve been sitting by the window watching countryside as the train was moving towards the border.
I had high hopes that all shall be all right very soon. West Germany wasn’t that far now, although short time ago it was so far for me as if existing on another planet. But not anymore. My heart started beating faster again and reminded me how very close now was what I longed for for so many years. My Freedom!

I was glad that my seat was on the right side of the compartment because I was facing direction where I was going, not being able to move my eyes from it.
We were slowly approaching border and my anxiety has been rising rapidly. My heart pounded so forcefully I was almost afraid that lady sitting across me could hear it. She was an older kind lady and traveled with her husband to visit London for a week or so and then coming back. I knew it wasn’t so difficult for this couple to obtain visa. “They” knew people of advanced age usually returned back home from their trips.
But I wasn’t going to return… ever… I was leaving forever… my family, my friends, my possession and my country…. I was political refugee.
My mind was erratic, same as my breathing.  So much went through my mind at once and I couldn’t find a moment of peace. It was impossible for me to calm down, nevertheless I had to. I must be calm, I must appear cool…
Again and again all what expired not long ago was flashing through my mind without any order, just random pieces of events… Yes, all should be OK, I do have a passport and all documents in order, although visa was obtained not exactly as it should… but still, officer at the border couldn’t know it, could he?
I did visit that comrade with whom I had to have an “interview” before leaving… I did sign that “special” form and another one stayed at my home to be filled out with information whom did I meet and talk and all my observations in a “west”,  but  that should be delivered week after my return. He, of course, didn’t know either about my intention never to return…
I should have given away more of my clothes to my best friend’s daughter, who was just my size… but that could have been too suspicious…she new I was going only on vacation, 2 weeks in Paris. But what she didn’t know also… I wasn’t coming back, ever…I still couldn’t believe this was really happening, obtaining my visa after several years of applying, but again, I got it the “other way.” I was lucky… Suddenly I saw in front of me content of my draw I left behind… my photo album with my childhood, graduation and all special moments in my life captured in pictures. my valuable collection of aphorisms, when by age 10 I had already one thousand collected, now it was over 10 thousands, passionate collector I was I suppose, remembering briefly how all that collecting started…then my personal writings, my books, all lost to me, because I wasn’t coming back, ever…
They say in America police doesn’t control people ID’s  on a streets with no reason…that’s good. I didn’t have my citizen document with me, it must be left at home anyway… I’ll do without it now simply because I’m not going to need it anymore… No one would be checking me again on a street asking me where I work, where I’m going and why… My God, I hope my few extra German marks I was able to obtain with such a difficulty, my small plus over the puny official allowance in foreign currency was safe in a spot found on a train’s powder room.  Well, if they’ll  find it, I simply deny it is mine..
We were approaching border, soon I’ll know… I still wasn’t calm enough for those officers who would turn content of my suitcase and handbag upside down and ask questions about purpose of my trip. So,  I’ll tell them what I repeated to myself so many times, nicely composed, calm and cool. I’m going to Paris, just for vacation, I love to see Louvre and… I hope all is just fine with content of my suitcase, I packed just enough clothes for two weeks, just right for the weather, nothing too much, nothing out of ordinary. I regretted I couldn’t take my winter coat, winter would be approaching soon and I would need all my scarce money supply to survive until finding something… God only knows what that something would be…shivers ran through me…but I should be OK with my clothes for a while and hopefully my  small jewelry shall help, I can always sell those…Yes I’ll go all the way to Paris, enjoy my sight-seeing, take a long walks and hopefully find some peace after all that stress and fear I have lived under. Then I’ll return to Germany and if all shall go well I’ll take off to US. I assume… from Frankfurt, that should work…we’ll see. I would have never obtained visa to US directly, it would be clear “giveaway”, even applying…  And that evil woman, informer, who told police that I have 2 cars parked before house shall never report on me again. She would have been greatly disappointed that one car was for me to dispose of after my father passed away. Police officer was good to me, all went just fine,  he remembered me from my previous visit when she reported on me that I own too many clothes. I think it is good I know how to sew and knit, it might come handy and cheaper to create new wardrobe later. I can’t get too far with what I had with me…thank you grandma for teaching me on my summer holidays…Dear grandma, I hope she has an easy rest in her grave and was spared to see me leaving, forever… How strange it is I shall not be called comrade anymore. It was custom, actually requirement at places of work. I must called others just a same, no matter if one was a member of communist party or not…I hope I’ll make it, I’m well educated, know languages…I’ll do my best…
And that last trip to Russia, that was something too. That KGB man… I was lucky, after all it was just an attraction, I’m sure of it, I was only tourist, visiting…oh what a story… I wonder what he would say to see me now, leaving it all what was hidden behind “iron curtain”, behind me. What a funny twist of words, hmm…
Still, neither of all those scattered thoughts brought desired distraction nor was I calmed. And border was coming closer. And closer. Then the train stopped. What a coincidence that my window stayed just by custom patrol officer’s booth and I saw them closely, rushing towards our train. At the same time not that far ahead was West Germany. I could see the fence, cars neatly parked behind it and German signs. So close and still so far…

Officers came into our compartment commanding: “Open your suitcases and prepare your documents.”And then those questions, questions and questions… but finally they left. All was fine…it should be from now on, I thought with slight relief. Lady sitting across touched my hand gently and said:
“Its OK, all is fine”…I knew that she knew… and I did appreciate it very much. I just sit motionless until the whole train had been checked, but waited impatiently for it to move ahead. Then something unexpected happened. The officer came out from the booth again and was aiming straight towards our wagon. He was looking at windows and… it can’t be…he came back to our compartment. I felt blood leaving my face, I felt…so, this is it…All that effort, all that I went through was for nothing…He came to OUR compartment and spoke directly to me: “M. K. are you sure you do not carry with you any other documents? The truth!” I responded with voice I would not recognize as my own: ”No, absolutely not, I did show you all I have.” He stared at me for a moment then quickly turned around and left.
I practically collapsed and thought: Maya, do you have to drink that bitter to the last drop? Why?
At that moment 3 faces flashed before me just fleetingly. Susan, Barbara and Cody…American students I helped when they visited Prague. It wasn’t supposed to be…But now they were safely back in NYC and I should also be in a moment safely behind the border, in West Germany. And that happened shortly… I was FREE!!!
However, it took another six months till I was able to reach US. I’m mentioning this in my article “Starting Over” and some more in article “About Maya.”
I live in US for many years now, but there is one thing I have never lost. Unreasonable, warped fear of police. I simply can’t see them purely as protectors…sorry  police guys…

I would like to inform you, my readers, that what I intent to write about “life under communists” in following articles, shall not be about my life. That would take a book. I might mention point here and there about how various events touched me personally, but this series shall be about life under communists in general… about economy, politics, rules, working environment, etc…I hope the “Truth” shall be an eye opener for you and make you realize how very important is knowledge of history. Because history repeats itself and warning signs are recognizable. I will show you picture you will remember, video-songs with explanation and translation, you’ll learn piece of history that is so important TODAY for you to know.
When nation is informed it can’t be easily manipulated and eventually stepped upon. It can’t be humiliated, children not being taught history and/or taught twisted history… but about all that in following articles.
Part 2, about how it all started in “Perfect Idea Realized” is coming soon…

Thank you for reliving with me few moments of my life long past…however, for me all that happened just yesterday. Is that possible?

Viva Freedom!
Maya